Why Are People Better Than Me? An Advice

Whenever I see people better than me in any aspect, I feel a twinge of jealousy and self-doubt. It’s like a voice in my head constantly telling me that I’m not good enough, and that I should be more like that person in order to succeed. I compare myself to them in every way – their job, their relationships, their appearance – and feel like I’m always coming up short.

And it’s becoming exhausting. Every moment of the day feels like a constant battle of feeling inadequate and comparing myself to others. I become envious of my friends for the slightest achievements, like finishing a book that I struggled with or scoring higher on a test. I find myself fixated on other people’s success, from physical health to education to hobbies, and I constantly feel the need to one-up them in order to prove my worth.

It’s gotten so bad that when I see someone doing better than me, I become irrationally angry. Even with my friends, I resort to saying things that undermine them just so I can feel superior. But then I feel guilty for hurting them, and I beat myself up for being such a terrible person. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to break out of.

I know I should stop comparing myself to others, but it’s easier said than done. It’s like an automatic response that I can’t control, no matter how hard I try. I want to learn how to appreciate myself and my qualities, but I don’t know where to start. I just want to stop feeling so exhausted and inadequate all the time.

Why I Feel Like There Are Always People Better Than Me?

Acceptance of myself is a long, long journey. I believe that you resonated with my story above. I know that I’m not alone, and you’re not alone. At some point in our life we all go through feelings like that. But knowing that “I’m not alone” does not really fix anything right? At the end of the day I’m still the one who thinks that other people are better than me, and it makes me feel terrible.

The solution is simple, but it requires constant effort to implement. You don’t love yourself immediately overnight. It is a long, on-going process that you’ll find to be easier and easier as you walk down the path.

The journey starts with awareness.

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You don’t treat an illness if you don’t know the root cause. Similarly, you don’t address an issue if you don’t know where the issue lies. Awareness is key to developing self-compassion and self-love, and self-inquiry is a great starting point. Self-inquiry is not about self-blame or self-criticism. It’s about approaching ourselves with curiosity and openness, and being willing to explore the deeper aspects of our being. We try to uncover hidden beliefs and assumptions that may be holding us back.

I tried meditation. Meditation is about detachment. It is about letting go of our attachment to the external world and turning our attention inward, towards the divine. When I let go of the external world, I realize 4 important things:

It all starts from me

I created all of these comparisons myself. Now, take a deep breath and look inwards. Ask yourself these questions:

Who is judging me that I don’t look as good as other people?
Who is judging me that I’m not successful as other people?
Who is judging me that I’m not as interesting as other people?
Who is judging me that I’m not as happy as other people?

Well, I think you got the answer. You are probably the one who is making these judgements. I judged myself. I created all of these “personal reality” to interpret the world. Our inner critic functions based on our personal reality, which is shaped by our past experiences, beliefs, and values.

For instance, if we have grown up in an environment where success was measured by academic achievements, we may tend to compare ourselves to others based on their educational qualifications. Similarly, if we have been taught to value physical appearance, we may find ourselves comparing our looks to those of others.

However, others may perceive the same situation differently. We don’t interpret reality in the same way because we have different experience. Through the eye of a pessimistic, the fallen leaf is a sign of death and hopelessness, but through the eye of an optimist, the fallen leaf is the sign of a new life ready to emerge. Our thoughts and feelings about ourselves and others are not objective facts but rather subjective interpretations that are colored by our personal biases and perceptions.

So, through your eyes, people are always better than you. But, through other people’s eyes, you are an amazing person with your own uniqueness and quirks and talents that no one else can replace. How can “you” – 1 single thing – be so different in your own eye and other people’s eyes? It’s just a matter of the way we choose to interpret the world.

Instead of “she is better than me”, it’s actually “I believe that she is better than me, but I don’t TRULY know if that’s the case or not”.

Instead of “she is more beautiful than me”, it’s actually “I believe that she is more beautiful than a set of standards I choose and set for myself, and I purposefully ignore the beautiful aspects while comparing my downsides to her best qualities”.

We love to think that our brain doing its best at interpreting the world. Our ego loves to believe that it knows better, while we don’t know any better. We only see what we want to see.

Past Experiences

The past contains a lot information about us. Let’s deep dive and find out why we are struggling with self-esteem.

I would like to bring up a concept known as “confirmation bias”. It is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when people selectively seek out and interpret information in a way that confirms their existing beliefs or biases, while ignoring or discounting information that contradicts their beliefs.

So, if a person is criticized in the past and they don’t take it in a very healthy and constructive way, but instead internalize it, they may eventually develop a belief that they are a bad person, and confirmation bias plays a huge role in reinforcing this belief.

For example, if someone has been told repeatedly that they are lazy, they may start to interpret their actions and behaviors in a way that confirms this belief, while discounting or ignoring evidence that contradicts it. We all see people who say that “Oh I’m not that smart” or “Oh I’m really bad at X, Y, Z”. What they are actually saying is that “In my experience, I didn’t perform really well in X Y Z, and I believe that I am truly not good at X Y Z, and now that I have formed such belief, I’ll only do things that align with my belief, which is not touching X Y Z at all”.

If you believe you are bad at Math, you probably wouldn’t want to touch Math for the rest of your life. Your past experiences shaped your belief. If one day you manage to solve 10 extremely difficult equations in 10 minutes, you would be shocked. Our brain doesn’t like that kind of shock. It loves familiarity, and it wants to stay in the comfort zone.

Similarly, a person who has been constantly criticized in the past may be more likely to seek out information that confirms their negative self-image and discount information that suggests otherwise. They may pay more attention to criticism from others, and overlook or dismiss compliments or positive feedback.

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Over time, this pattern of thinking can become entrenched and can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the person’s belief that they are a bad person leads to behaviors and actions that reinforce this belief.

Here are 8 simple questions to ask yourself to discover the beliefs that were influenced by past experiences:

What negative beliefs do I have about myself?
When did I first start believing these negative things about myself?
Who or what contributed to the formation of these beliefs?
What past experiences might have influenced my self-perception?
How do I feel about myself when I’m around certain people or in certain situations?
What evidence do I have to support my negative beliefs about myself?
What evidence do I have that contradicts my negative beliefs about myself?
Am I treating myself the way I would treat a friend who was struggling with the same issues

Don’t rush. Sit down and reflect on these questions. You are digging to the root cause of the problem. Only then can we start to heal.

Social Media

Social media has revolutionized the way we connect with others and consume information, but it is also a perfect breeding ground for constant comparison. We are bombarded with images of people who seem to have perfect lives, bodies, and relationships. We see others living their “best lives” and we feel like we’re not measuring up.

After all, people only post their best moments on social media. It’s a highlight reel of their lives. But we compare that highlight with our backstage, and we end up feeling FOMO (fear of missing out) and a sense that our own lives are not as exciting or fulfilling as those we see online.

Combined with the fact that we tend to follow our comparison biases and the past experiences we have in our life, we can’t live consciously, and let the pixels on the screen dictate how we feel.

What to do if others are better than you?

Remind myself that there are always sacrifices to take

At one point in my life, I decided that “Why am I even comparing myself with them?” I realized that we have 24 hours to live only, and choosing to do 1 things means NOT choosing 99 other things. If I choose to invest my time into my studies and career, I may not have as much time for relationships and dating and romance. Vice versa, if I invest my time into having absolute wild times in parties, I may don’t have the resources needed to grow my career. It’s a matter of sacrifice.

Other people are living their life. You are living your life. We are all making sacrifices and choices in our life. Comparing ourselves with others is essentially trying to “become” their life. What’s the point of that? We are all unique individuals with our own path to take and our own story to write. Comparing ourselves to others only leads to feelings of inadequacy and can hold us back from reaching our full potential.

No two people are the same, and what works for one person may not work for another. Each of us has our own strengths, weaknesses, passions, and experiences that shape who we are and the path we take in life. It’s these unique qualities that make us valuable and irreplaceable. Embrace our individuality and use it to our advantage, pursuing our own goals and dreams without worrying about how we measure up to someone else’s. It’s your own path to walk, not others.

Practicing gratitude and focusing on my own strengths and accomplishments

Although reminding myself that I have to literally “mind my business” and don’t give as much f*ck to others is the best strategy I used, I also have to constantly remind myself of my strengths, because our mind can be mean sometimes. When you start comparing, you usually can’t stop comparing because it has become quite a habit. You need to develop a new habit of self-love in place of that habit of comparison.

Shift your attention to what you do have and what you have achieved so far. Take time each day to reflect on the things in your life that you are thankful for. It could be something as simple as a sunny day or a good cup of coffee, or it could be something more significant like a supportive friend or a job that you enjoy. By focusing on the good things in our life, you can cultivate a sense of contentment and joy. Once you have the inner “cup” of love filled to the brim, you don’t have to compare with other people. You are contend with yourself as you are. Life is fragile, so we’d better embrace it fully.

Also, keep a journal. Write down things you’ve achieved, compliments you’ve received, or challenges you’ve overcome. By seeing all of the things you’ve accomplished in one place, you can feel proud of yourselves and see how far you’ve come in your journey.

Ask yourself:

What are some things that I have achieved in my life that I am proud of?
What are some personal qualities that I possess that I appreciate about myself?
What are some ways in which I have helped others or made a positive impact on someone’s life?
What are some challenges that I have overcome that have made me stronger and more resilient?
What are some things in my life that I am grateful for right now?
What are some talents or skills that I have that I can continue to develop and improve upon?
What are some positive experiences or memories that I have had recently?
What are some things that I have learned or gained from difficult situations in my life?

Don’t try to find grandiose or big answers. Sometimes doing the dishes successfully is already an achievement. Taking a walk is an achievement. Learning a tiny new fact is an achievement. Discovering a new gem of a music is an achievement. Celebrate your successes, no matter how small they may seem.

Setting realistic goals and working towards them

At the same time, have realistic goals can leave you…no time to compare. Have big goals and small goals, too. As you have goals, you’ll find it much easier to get into the mindset of “I don’t have to compare with other people because I already have so much on my plate”.

Big goals can give you something to strive for and keep you excited about your future, but they can at times be overwhelming and make you feel like you’re not doing enough if you’re not making quick progress towards them, so that’s why we need to break them down to smaller goals. These goals, on the other hand, can give you a sense of accomplishment and progress in the short-term, helping you to build momentum towards your bigger goals.

Seeking professional help if necessary

Sometimes it can be challenging to realize and escape out of the rut when you are clouded by judgements. We may struggle to make progress or may need additional support and guidance.

A mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor, can provide a safe and supportive space to explore and address any underlying issues that may be contributing to low self-esteem. They have provide tools and strategies to help improve self-esteem and self-worth.

Some signs that it may be time to seek professional help for self-esteem issues include persistent feelings of worthlessness, negative self-talk, difficulty with social situations, and a lack of self-care or self-compassion. It is important to remember that seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but rather a courageous step towards self-improvement and growth.

Meditate, Work Out, And Go Out In Nature

These are 3 tools I used to connect myself with the world and disconnect from the chaos out there.

Meditation calms the mind and reduces stress. By focusing on your breath or a mantra, you can quiet the constant chatter in your mind and become more present in the moment. With regular practice, meditation can help you develop greater self-awareness and self-compassion, which are key components of a healthy self-esteem.

Working out is a more active form of meditation. When you exercise, you need to be fully present in the moment to complete the movements correctly and safely. This allows you to put aside any worries or distractions from the outside world and focus solely on your body and the workout.

Then, from a spiritual perspective, we are all a part of the natural world, interconnected and bound to the same source of life energy. Nature has a way of grounding us and helping us find balance. When we are surrounded by the beauty of the natural world, our worries and problems can seem insignificant. We can breathe in the fresh air, feel the sun on our skin, let go of the stress and go with the flow.

As we connect with the earth and its natural rhythms, we can also become more in tune with ourselves. We may find that our thoughts become clearer and more focused, allowing us to see our problems in a new light. We may also feel more in touch with our emotions and our innermost selves, as we are reminded of our connection to all living things.